Do you ever feel frustrated when trying to help your kids achieve something you know they can do, but they are so scared of failure they won’t even try? Or they give up at the first hurdle when things don’t go their way? Meltdown mode activated!

I struggled with this with my boys for so many years. Add in some autism, ADHD and PDA with a side of rejection sensitive dysmorphia, and a mum who thinks she’s tried everything and feels like quitting herself - it doesn’t exactly create an environment for growth and resilience.

So, I did what I always do when I’m struggling to find a way through, I took the biggest deep breath, and I researched. I found there were things I was doing to hinder their growth. Imagine if I’d never let go of their little hands for fear they would fall – they would have been held back from taking those first steps and achieving that milestone. It’s the same with everything they try. I needed to allow them a safe space to grow.

Here's 7 ways you can help your kids get unstuck and develop their growth mindset:

1.        Model the behaviour. If you’re open and honest about your own struggles, big or small and how you get through them, it shows them that it’s ok to fail or make mistakes, and that sometimes things just go wrong. So long as you don’t give up, and they see you trying and moving forwards, eventually it will rub off on them. Of all of the challenges I've faced, from keeping going as an indie author and illustrator when things are tough, and the challenges of parenting neurodivergent kids whilst dealing with my own Autism, I have also put myself out there with physical challenges.

My boys know how terrified I am of falling from heights, but I have climbed Bennachie in Scotland twice. Both times I have been within touching distance of the summit (where it feels to me like I could just fall right off the side!) and had a panic attack. But I will still keep going back - maybe one day I will manage it. I even did GoApe with my youngest. I honestly just wanted to scream and quit. I was so terrified! But I knew I had to keep going, to show him that I could do something that was hard. Do you know what? HE helped ME! He was so kind and caring, and letting him guide me through each tough, wobbly, too high in the air step helped us both to grow.

2.        Change the way you communicate with them. It’s a very hard thing to not praise your kids for every achievement – it’s how we were raised mostly. We sought out praise - our happiness determined by teachers or parents. The best gift you can give your kids is to praise the effort over the achievement. Tell them how great it is when they work really hard or try something new and brave. Ask them how they can learn from experiences and think about how they can improve next time when things don’t go so well. Help them to think about creative solutions to problems they are facing. Let them see that every mistake is just a wonderful opportunity to learn!

3.        Try some creative activities. Grab a piece of paper and draw a small circle in the middle with a bigger circle around it, and an even bigger one around that. Get them to write something in the middle circle that they are struggling with, for example learning Times Tables. Label the paper, ‘I Can’t Do This Yet.’ Now, ask them to think about what the obstacles are or what’s holding them back from achieving this goal, being as specific as possible, for example – It’s too boring or I can’t memorise them like everyone else or I get too distracted. Write those in the next circle. In the outer circle, come up with some creative ideas and solutions. The more the better. They can come from you both – work as a team. This is now their step-by-step plan to achieving their goal. Stick it up on the wall and encourage them by asking what they would like to try first. Remember to tell them that there are lots of solutions to try and they can keep trying until they find one that works for them.

4.         Give them the time and space to figure things out for themselves. Whether they are very little and trying to figure out which hole to put the sorting blocks in, or they’re older and dealing with how to tackle an assault course or a homework problem, try letting them fail. It’s the hardest thing in the world not stepping in to rescue our kids all the time. I was always doing this when mine were younger. But to help them grow, we need to believe they can sort their own problems. If they’re getting too frustrated and you sense a meltdown, it’s absolutely fine to suggest or encourage a breather or a movement break until they’re ready to try again. By letting them figure things out on their own, you are gifting them a greater sense of accomplishment when they finally achieve their goal.

5.        Story books are always a great way of showing our kids things that they maybe wouldn’t listen to us about. Seeing characters they love struggling with, and then overcoming their own problems, is an inspirational way to help them see and develop their own growth mindset.

"Arnold & Lou are hungry for adventure. If only they had wings like the Macaw birds, they could see all the wonders of the world... Join them as they gather and stick and loop and tie, flap and tumble and strive to fly! Can they overcome some flap-tastic flops as they try and try again to make their dreams come true?

Snuggle up with your little animal lovers to share giggles and worldwide adventures as they learn not to get in a flap if their plans go astray… just try, try again and find a new way!

The first in the Arnold & Lou series, All in a Flap is the perfect springboard to encourage imagination, creative thinking and a growth mindset."

6.        Try giving them more responsibilities. You’d be surprised what a difference it makes to your child’s confidence when you trust them to help with things. It can be anything from watering plants or vegetables, to helping in the kitchen, hoovering (heavy work is also great for regulating ADHD), or even walking the dog. Even the youngest children can get involved and it helps them to feel like a valued member of the family.  Yes, some things will take longer to begin with – but you’re creating capable kids who will turn into even more capable adults.

7.        Play board games together and often. We love a family games night and have quite a collection now. When the boys were younger, they would have meltdowns if they lost, and so I was often tempted to let them win to make life easier. In the long run though, it really doesn’t help them. They need to learn how to win without rubbing other players up the wrong way, and they need to learn how to lose graciously too. The only way they will learn this is by you modelling how it’s done. So, if they’re really young, maybe let them win sometimes, and then tell then, ‘Good game, well played. Can I try again?’. When you win, don’t make a huge deal about it and ask they if they’d like to try again, or play something else.

That’s it! Parenting isn’t easy, but you’re doing a great job. I really hope you enjoy helping your kids to build resilience and a can-do attitude - and maybe it can help us parents too!

Until next time,

Francesca